For some reason, a lot of days recently have been one of those days.... The day usually starts off great. I wake up, have my coffee (yes, MUST ALWAYS have the coffee), and gear myself up for the day. Hubby goes off to work, kiddos stumble out of bed, and my favorite part of the day occurs. Snuggle time. I love snuggle time. My kids trip out to the couch one at a time, still full of sleep, and we spend the next 10-15 minutes just snuggling. It is quiet and peaceful. They are still little enough that I can still hold both of them in my lap at the same time if they happen to wake up together. I love this time of day the best. Nothing has gone wrong, fits have not yet been thrown, tempers not yet lost; we haven't been late for anything yet, made any messes, been too loud, or argued. I wish I could hang onto this part of the day and go back to it when something goes wrong, and believe me, something ALWAYS goes wrong.
We went to the zoo today and had a great time. Loved every minute. I was patient at all the right times, and completely focused on my family as it should be....then the rest of the day happened. My son wouldn't nap. We were out of milk and I had promised the kiddos macaroni and cheese for lunch. My husband was completely immersed in football the REST of the day (I have no patience for football). Fit after fit after fit was thrown. We were challenged with attitudes, whining, sneaking, and all around naughtiness. And I have to be honest. I failed on the patience and not overreacting front today. Major, major mom fail and I am dealing with a lot of guilt right now.
My son, the 4 year old, has been pushing the limits recently. My sweet, loving, snugly, energetic little boy has transformed into a whiny, moody, sneaky, impulsive turd. I love him. I love him soooooooooooooo much. It literally hurts when I think of the love I have for him. I am having a hard time with the newest of his phases he has been going through. When I think we have reached our limits, a whole new phase begins that even more scary. This parenting thing is HARD, and I'm not always very good at it. In fact, sometimes I think I downright suck. But I AM a parent, and I have been blessed with two precious lives that depend on me to be the best mom I can be.
It's scary. Parenting is scary. I am so afraid of failing my kids. I want them to grow up to be happy, whole, and not too terribly damaged. This is where the good part comes in. I know I am not alone. Not only do I have an amazing partner in this, but I have an amazing God that loves, forgives, guides, and completely makes up for all my failures. When I wake up tomorrow morning, I know it is a new day. All my failures and shortcomings have been washed away, and I have the chance yet again to be the very best mom , wife, daughter, sister, friend, and me that I can be. Don't get me wrong, I'm gonna mess it up again and again and again. But I also know, and need to remember, that I can start over in the middle of the day, or even the end. I can take a step back, spend some time in the Word, and know that I am once again forgiven and made clean.
Life is a gift. The people in our lives are gifts. I am so thankful for my many gifts. I know parenting will always be hard. But I also know it is so worth it. I love my kids with all that I am. The best thing I can do is to raise them to see Grace. They will see me mess up over and over, and they will mess up over and over. I can give them Grace through my Savior and they can see my need for Grace as well and the need to give Grace to others.
He makes all things new. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second. And we need it. We need Him. We need Grace. We will never measure up alone. God has us covered. His loves erases all our shortcomings, washes us in Grace, and makes us new.
