We all have those days. Bad, gloomy days. Today so far has been one of those days.
I have lived my life with this nagging feeling of "Not Enough". Not good enough for this crazy awesome life I am living. Not good enough for my kids, my husband, my family, my friends. Not cool enough, not patient enough. Just plain not enough. Name the thing and and I'm not it, except awkward, I've got that down.
I have this thing called Low Self Esteem. Had it for as long as I can remember. It is hard to make friends, and it's hard to work on friendships when I don't feel good enough to be their friend. I convinced myself that this would go away when I became an adult. Jr High and High School was a nightmare, but I could get through it knowing it wouldn't always be this way, things would get easier. As I have grown older, I have learned a lot and have made some pretty awesome friends that I treasure, though I know I don't let them know how good of friends they are because something always stops me from making those calls. That feeling that I hoped and prayed would go away never did. It's still there, all the time. I'm not sure what I thought would magically change when I became an adult, but it didn't change.
I have an awesome family; every single person in my family is awesome. I am blessed to have such an amazing family. I grew up, the youngest, comparing myself to my much cooler than me siblings. To this day I guarantee that they are still much cooler than me. I did my best trying to be the child my parents deserved to have. I want to be as good as them. I have a loving husband who accepts and loves me for who I am. I have two beautiful babies that look at me like I am their whole world and I get this feeling of being completely inadequate. My kids deserve to have an amazing mom, and I totally do not fill those shoes.
I know where that nagging feeling comes from, and I know better than to believe it. Most days I can kick it to the curb and feel completely blessed. I am blessed. This life is more than anything I ever hoped for. My friends, family, and loved ones are too many to count. My kids are amazing. That is all the truth. But some days that nagging feeling clobbers me. What on earth did I do to deserve all this? Nothing. That's the truth. And I am okay with that. Relieved, actually. Life is a gift. It may be hard, but it is a gift. Everyone in our lives is there for a reason.
I will live my life knowing that I am Not Enough, but it's okay. I have Someone that is good enough. He is Enough in my place. I am not a mistake; I am not here by accident. I have a purpose, and even though I may not always see what that purpose is, I have one and I will fight to remember that purpose. I will be grateful every day for the life I live and I will be grateful for the people in my life.
I know I will always have that feeling of "Not Enough". I will always have that fight. I will not be defeated.
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made: your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14
"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Monday, October 13, 2014
Sunday, October 12, 2014
A Letter To My Daughter
Dear Ella,
I thought I knew how to be a mom until you came into my life. You showed me from the start that you are your own person, not to be compared to anyone else. You carve your own path in this world and do things at your own pace. No one can rush you, push you, or make you do anything you do not want to do. I love you, my spirited girl. So sweet, beautiful, and full of life. I know that whatever life throws at you that you can do it. You are a fighter and you are strong. You do things your own way; you keep us on our toes.
Life has not been and never will be easy. We have discovered that with you from the time we learned about you. You continue to surprise me with your strength, persistence, innocence, and sweetness. You are truly a gift to me and I am so thankful for every day that I get to be your mom. I love the way you would snuggle with me all day long, just as long as you can play with your brother at the same time. You are independent and smart. You understand things more than you let on, my little observer.
My prayer for you, My Ella, is that you never lose your sweetness. I know life is hard, but there are so many good things life has to offer that make all the bad things, all the hard parts worth it. Keep that sweetness Ella, for you will move mountains. Your smile brightens a room, and a single wave from you can make anyone's day. I have never quite seen anyone gather as much attention as you do, and you don't even try; you don't even care. As little as you are, you amaze me. You are loved.
I treasure you. I am so excited to see the person that you will become. Always push harder; never give up hope. Always know that YOU are enough. Never be someone that you are not. Never be afraid to be YOU, because YOU are beautiful, just the way you are. You don't have to change to please people. I pray you will always find your identity in your Creator and know that He created you for a reason, for a purpose.
I'm on your side; I'm rooting for you. Always here for you, no matter what. You are treasured. You are loved. I am so proud of you, my sweet girl. I always will be.
All My Love, Always,
Mommy
I thought I knew how to be a mom until you came into my life. You showed me from the start that you are your own person, not to be compared to anyone else. You carve your own path in this world and do things at your own pace. No one can rush you, push you, or make you do anything you do not want to do. I love you, my spirited girl. So sweet, beautiful, and full of life. I know that whatever life throws at you that you can do it. You are a fighter and you are strong. You do things your own way; you keep us on our toes.
Life has not been and never will be easy. We have discovered that with you from the time we learned about you. You continue to surprise me with your strength, persistence, innocence, and sweetness. You are truly a gift to me and I am so thankful for every day that I get to be your mom. I love the way you would snuggle with me all day long, just as long as you can play with your brother at the same time. You are independent and smart. You understand things more than you let on, my little observer.
My prayer for you, My Ella, is that you never lose your sweetness. I know life is hard, but there are so many good things life has to offer that make all the bad things, all the hard parts worth it. Keep that sweetness Ella, for you will move mountains. Your smile brightens a room, and a single wave from you can make anyone's day. I have never quite seen anyone gather as much attention as you do, and you don't even try; you don't even care. As little as you are, you amaze me. You are loved.
I treasure you. I am so excited to see the person that you will become. Always push harder; never give up hope. Always know that YOU are enough. Never be someone that you are not. Never be afraid to be YOU, because YOU are beautiful, just the way you are. You don't have to change to please people. I pray you will always find your identity in your Creator and know that He created you for a reason, for a purpose.
I'm on your side; I'm rooting for you. Always here for you, no matter what. You are treasured. You are loved. I am so proud of you, my sweet girl. I always will be.
All My Love, Always,
Mommy
A Letter To My Son
Dear John,
Words cannot express the love I have for you. You are amazing just the way you are. As you grow, I love watching the person you are becoming. You are kind, sweet, polite, and loving. You are curious, patient, generous, and full of faith. You love to learn and try new things. You are wild and full of life. You love your family and we love you. Your sister follows your every footstep and you patiently allow her to follow you, to copy your play. You treat people with respect and trust. I know one day someone will break that trust you so freely give and I would give everything to protect you, but I also want you to live. I want you to experience life. As much as I wish I could expose you only to the good, I know we must also experience the bad in order to truly appreciate all the good things that this wonderful life has to offer.
As I go through the day with you, from the time you wake up and crawl into my lap to cuddle to the time I tuck you in and sing you goodnight, I cannot help but to be amazed. I know we butt heads, often. But my love will never change. I don't know if it is the fact that we are so alike, that you are so like your dad, or maybe a little bit of both, but a day cannot pass without some conflict between the two of us. I learn so much from these conflicts about both of us. I learn how much more patience and grace I need. I see stubbornness and so many other qualities of your personality. I also know that we love to have fun together. I love to spend quality time with you, answer your questions to the best of my ability, dive into wonderful worlds of imagination, and create memories I will hold close for the rest of my life.
You are a gift, and you are loved more than you will ever know. You made me a mom and I promise to always work at being the kind of mom you deserve, the kind of mom that helps you grow into the best person that you can be. I want you to be smart; I want you to be successful. But most of all, I hope you find joy. I hope you continue to have the faith we are raising you in. I hope you grow into the person that YOU want to be.
I am so proud to call you my son. Nothing can or ever will change the love I have for you. I hope you always remember that I will always be cheering for you; always on your side. When life knocks you on your knees, remember you are never alone, and you can always pick yourself back up again. We all fall down, it is a fact of life. Push on, and push back. Never give up, never feel hopeless. No matter where life takes you, I will never be far away. Don't be afraid to live or take chances. You will never truly know what you are capable of until you try. I know you can do great things, because I know you.
John, you are precious to me. I pray for you every day and always will. I thank God for the gift of you. I learn so much from you every day.
All My Love, Always,
Mommy
Words cannot express the love I have for you. You are amazing just the way you are. As you grow, I love watching the person you are becoming. You are kind, sweet, polite, and loving. You are curious, patient, generous, and full of faith. You love to learn and try new things. You are wild and full of life. You love your family and we love you. Your sister follows your every footstep and you patiently allow her to follow you, to copy your play. You treat people with respect and trust. I know one day someone will break that trust you so freely give and I would give everything to protect you, but I also want you to live. I want you to experience life. As much as I wish I could expose you only to the good, I know we must also experience the bad in order to truly appreciate all the good things that this wonderful life has to offer.
As I go through the day with you, from the time you wake up and crawl into my lap to cuddle to the time I tuck you in and sing you goodnight, I cannot help but to be amazed. I know we butt heads, often. But my love will never change. I don't know if it is the fact that we are so alike, that you are so like your dad, or maybe a little bit of both, but a day cannot pass without some conflict between the two of us. I learn so much from these conflicts about both of us. I learn how much more patience and grace I need. I see stubbornness and so many other qualities of your personality. I also know that we love to have fun together. I love to spend quality time with you, answer your questions to the best of my ability, dive into wonderful worlds of imagination, and create memories I will hold close for the rest of my life.
You are a gift, and you are loved more than you will ever know. You made me a mom and I promise to always work at being the kind of mom you deserve, the kind of mom that helps you grow into the best person that you can be. I want you to be smart; I want you to be successful. But most of all, I hope you find joy. I hope you continue to have the faith we are raising you in. I hope you grow into the person that YOU want to be.
I am so proud to call you my son. Nothing can or ever will change the love I have for you. I hope you always remember that I will always be cheering for you; always on your side. When life knocks you on your knees, remember you are never alone, and you can always pick yourself back up again. We all fall down, it is a fact of life. Push on, and push back. Never give up, never feel hopeless. No matter where life takes you, I will never be far away. Don't be afraid to live or take chances. You will never truly know what you are capable of until you try. I know you can do great things, because I know you.
John, you are precious to me. I pray for you every day and always will. I thank God for the gift of you. I learn so much from you every day.
All My Love, Always,
Mommy
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Kindness. Pass It On
This past week, while we were out to dinner, some young girls came and gave each of the kids a bottle of bubbles.
It was such a small gesture, but it has been on my mind all week. The world we live in is no longer kind. We don't know our neighbors, or trust anyone anymore. Everyone we meet could be a "bad guy" so we better not make eye contact or smile at them. Schools have shootings and countries are fighting. Turn on the news and you can just about guarantee that 95% of what you see and hear is depressing and down right scary. I think about all the bad in this world, and I think of my two young kids that we are raising. I think it is safe to say that we haven't even seen the worst of it yet. Bad things will keep happening and our world gets scarier and scarier.
The most important job I have as a parent is to care for my children, love them, and bring them up in the Truth. There is something bigger out there than all the bad things this world can throw at us. God is bigger than all of the muck. My prayer is that my kids know God. The world is going to throw all sorts of bad things their way, but if they have Hope, they will get through it.
This small gesture of a bottle of bubbles meant so much more to me. There is still kindness in this world. It may be hard to find sometimes, but it is there. There is always going to be someone in your life who will do the right thing because they love you, or simply because they can. That is why we keep going.
In the past few years, we have had so many people like that in our lives. Wonderful, kind people who have helped both us and others and never asked for anything in return. I know that I can't ever pay those people back, not really, not for all they have done. I can be grateful, and I can do my best to do the same for someone, someday.
So, whoever gave us the bubbles, thank you. Know that we received your message and have accepted the challenge. We will pass on kindness and continue to pass it on as often as we can. I also challenge anyone out there that reads this to pass on some kindness as well. It doesn't have to be anything big. In fact, it can be as small as giving a smile or handing someone a bottle of bubbles. Just be kind.
Pass It On
The most important job I have as a parent is to care for my children, love them, and bring them up in the Truth. There is something bigger out there than all the bad things this world can throw at us. God is bigger than all of the muck. My prayer is that my kids know God. The world is going to throw all sorts of bad things their way, but if they have Hope, they will get through it.
This small gesture of a bottle of bubbles meant so much more to me. There is still kindness in this world. It may be hard to find sometimes, but it is there. There is always going to be someone in your life who will do the right thing because they love you, or simply because they can. That is why we keep going.
In the past few years, we have had so many people like that in our lives. Wonderful, kind people who have helped both us and others and never asked for anything in return. I know that I can't ever pay those people back, not really, not for all they have done. I can be grateful, and I can do my best to do the same for someone, someday.
So, whoever gave us the bubbles, thank you. Know that we received your message and have accepted the challenge. We will pass on kindness and continue to pass it on as often as we can. I also challenge anyone out there that reads this to pass on some kindness as well. It doesn't have to be anything big. In fact, it can be as small as giving a smile or handing someone a bottle of bubbles. Just be kind.
Pass It On
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)