Not Enough

We all have those days. Bad, gloomy days. Today so far has been one of those days.

I have lived my life with this nagging feeling of "Not Enough". Not good enough for this crazy awesome life I am living. Not good enough for my kids, my husband, my family, my friends. Not cool enough, not patient enough. Just plain not enough. Name the thing and and I'm not it, except awkward, I've got that down.

I have this thing called Low Self Esteem. Had it for as long as I can remember. It is hard to make friends, and it's hard to work on friendships when I don't feel good enough to be their friend. I convinced myself that this would go away when I became an adult. Jr High and High School was a nightmare, but I could get through it knowing it wouldn't always be this way, things would get easier. As I have grown older, I have learned a lot and have made some pretty awesome friends that I treasure, though I know I don't let them know how good of friends they are because something always stops me from making those calls. That feeling that I hoped and prayed would go away never did. It's still there, all the time. I'm not sure what I thought would magically change when I became an adult, but it didn't change.

I have an awesome family; every single person in my family is awesome. I am blessed to have such an amazing family. I grew up, the youngest, comparing myself to my much cooler than me siblings. To this day I guarantee that they are still much cooler than me. I did my best trying to be the child my parents deserved to have. I want to be as good as them. I have a loving husband who accepts and loves me for who I am. I have two beautiful babies that look at me like I am their whole world and I get this feeling of being completely inadequate. My kids deserve to have an amazing mom, and I totally do not fill those shoes.

I know where that nagging feeling comes from, and I know better than to believe it. Most days I can kick it to the curb and feel completely blessed. I am blessed. This life is more than anything I ever hoped for. My friends, family, and loved ones are too many to count. My kids are amazing. That is all the truth. But some days that nagging feeling clobbers me. What on earth did I do to deserve all this? Nothing. That's the truth. And I am okay with that. Relieved, actually. Life is a gift. It may be hard, but it is a gift. Everyone in our lives is there for a reason.

I will live my life knowing that I am Not Enough, but it's okay. I have Someone that is good enough. He is Enough in my place. I am not a mistake; I am not here by accident. I have a purpose, and even though I may not always see what that purpose is, I have one and I will fight to remember that purpose. I will be grateful every day for the life I live and I will be grateful for the people in my life.

I know I will always have that feeling of "Not Enough". I will always have that fight. I will not be defeated.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made: your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11