He Makes All Things New

It's been one of those days....

For some reason, a lot of days recently have been one of those days.... The day usually starts off great. I wake up, have my coffee (yes, MUST ALWAYS have the coffee), and gear myself up for the day. Hubby goes off to work, kiddos stumble out of bed, and my favorite part of the day occurs. Snuggle time. I love snuggle time. My kids trip out to the couch one at a time, still full of sleep, and we spend the next 10-15 minutes just snuggling. It is quiet and peaceful. They are still little enough that I can still hold both of them in my lap at the same time if they happen to wake up together. I love this time of day the best. Nothing has gone wrong, fits have not yet been thrown, tempers not yet lost; we haven't been late for anything yet, made any messes, been too loud, or argued. I wish I could hang onto this part of the day and go back to it when something goes wrong, and believe me, something ALWAYS goes wrong.

We went to the zoo today and had a great time. Loved every minute. I was patient at all the right times, and completely focused on my family as it should be....then the rest of the day happened. My son wouldn't nap. We were out of milk and I had promised the kiddos macaroni and cheese for lunch. My husband was completely immersed in football the REST of the day (I have no patience for football). Fit after fit after fit was thrown. We were challenged with attitudes, whining, sneaking, and all around naughtiness. And I have to be honest. I failed on the patience and not overreacting front today. Major, major mom fail and I am dealing with a lot of guilt right now.

My son, the 4 year old, has been pushing the limits recently. My sweet, loving, snugly, energetic little boy has transformed into a whiny, moody, sneaky, impulsive turd. I love him. I love him soooooooooooooo much. It literally hurts when I think of the love I have for him. I am having a hard time with the newest of his phases he has been going through. When I think we have reached our limits, a whole new phase begins that even more scary. This parenting thing is HARD, and I'm not always very good at it. In fact, sometimes I think I downright suck. But I AM a parent, and I have been blessed with two precious lives that depend on me to be the best mom I can be.

It's scary. Parenting is scary. I am so afraid of failing my kids. I want them to grow up to be happy, whole, and not too terribly damaged. This is where the good part comes in. I know I am not alone. Not only do I have an amazing partner in this, but I have an amazing God that loves, forgives, guides, and completely makes up for all my failures. When I wake up tomorrow morning, I know it is a new day. All my failures and shortcomings have been washed away, and I have the chance yet again to be the very best mom , wife, daughter, sister, friend, and me that I can be. Don't get me wrong, I'm gonna mess it up again and again and again. But I also know, and need to remember, that I can start over in the middle of the day, or even the end. I can take a step back, spend some time in the Word, and know that I am once again forgiven and made clean.

Life is a gift. The people in our lives are gifts. I am so thankful for my many gifts. I know parenting will always be hard. But I also know it is so worth it. I love my kids with all that I am. The best thing I can do is to raise them to see Grace. They will see me mess up over and over, and they will mess up over and over. I can give them Grace through my Savior and they can see my need for Grace as well and the need to give Grace to others.

He makes all things new. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second. And we need it. We need Him. We need Grace. We will never measure up alone. God has us covered. His loves erases all our shortcomings, washes us in Grace, and makes us new.

Not Enough

We all have those days. Bad, gloomy days. Today so far has been one of those days.

I have lived my life with this nagging feeling of "Not Enough". Not good enough for this crazy awesome life I am living. Not good enough for my kids, my husband, my family, my friends. Not cool enough, not patient enough. Just plain not enough. Name the thing and and I'm not it, except awkward, I've got that down.

I have this thing called Low Self Esteem. Had it for as long as I can remember. It is hard to make friends, and it's hard to work on friendships when I don't feel good enough to be their friend. I convinced myself that this would go away when I became an adult. Jr High and High School was a nightmare, but I could get through it knowing it wouldn't always be this way, things would get easier. As I have grown older, I have learned a lot and have made some pretty awesome friends that I treasure, though I know I don't let them know how good of friends they are because something always stops me from making those calls. That feeling that I hoped and prayed would go away never did. It's still there, all the time. I'm not sure what I thought would magically change when I became an adult, but it didn't change.

I have an awesome family; every single person in my family is awesome. I am blessed to have such an amazing family. I grew up, the youngest, comparing myself to my much cooler than me siblings. To this day I guarantee that they are still much cooler than me. I did my best trying to be the child my parents deserved to have. I want to be as good as them. I have a loving husband who accepts and loves me for who I am. I have two beautiful babies that look at me like I am their whole world and I get this feeling of being completely inadequate. My kids deserve to have an amazing mom, and I totally do not fill those shoes.

I know where that nagging feeling comes from, and I know better than to believe it. Most days I can kick it to the curb and feel completely blessed. I am blessed. This life is more than anything I ever hoped for. My friends, family, and loved ones are too many to count. My kids are amazing. That is all the truth. But some days that nagging feeling clobbers me. What on earth did I do to deserve all this? Nothing. That's the truth. And I am okay with that. Relieved, actually. Life is a gift. It may be hard, but it is a gift. Everyone in our lives is there for a reason.

I will live my life knowing that I am Not Enough, but it's okay. I have Someone that is good enough. He is Enough in my place. I am not a mistake; I am not here by accident. I have a purpose, and even though I may not always see what that purpose is, I have one and I will fight to remember that purpose. I will be grateful every day for the life I live and I will be grateful for the people in my life.

I know I will always have that feeling of "Not Enough". I will always have that fight. I will not be defeated.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made: your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

A Letter To My Daughter

Dear Ella,

I thought I knew how to be a mom until you came into my life. You showed me from the start that you are your own person, not to be compared to anyone else. You carve your own path in this world and do things at your own pace. No one can rush you, push you, or make you do anything you do not want to do. I love you, my spirited girl. So sweet, beautiful, and full of life. I know that whatever life throws at you that you can do it. You are a fighter and you are strong. You do things your own way; you keep us on our toes.

Life has not been and never will be easy. We have discovered that with you from the time we learned about you. You continue to surprise me with your strength, persistence, innocence, and sweetness. You are truly a gift to me and I am so thankful for every day that I get to be your mom. I love the way you would snuggle with me all day long, just as long as you can play with your brother at the same time. You are independent and smart. You understand things more than you let on, my little observer.

My prayer for you, My Ella, is that you never lose your sweetness. I know life is hard, but there are so many good things life has to offer that make all the bad things, all the hard parts worth it. Keep that sweetness Ella, for you will move mountains. Your smile brightens a room, and a single wave from you can make anyone's day. I have never quite seen anyone gather as much attention as you do, and you don't even try; you don't even care. As little as you are, you amaze me. You are loved.

I treasure you. I am so excited to see the person that you will become. Always push harder; never give up hope. Always know that YOU are enough. Never be someone that you are not. Never be afraid to be YOU, because YOU are beautiful, just the way you are. You don't have to change to please people. I pray you will always find your identity in your Creator and know that He created you for a reason, for a purpose.

I'm on your side; I'm rooting for you. Always here for you, no matter what. You are treasured. You are loved. I am so proud of you, my sweet girl. I always will be.

All My Love, Always,

Mommy

A Letter To My Son

Dear John,

Words cannot express the love I have for you. You are amazing just the way you are. As you grow, I love watching the person you are becoming. You are kind, sweet, polite, and loving. You are curious, patient, generous, and full of faith. You love to learn and try new things. You are wild and full of life. You love your family and we love you. Your sister follows your every footstep and you patiently allow her to follow you, to copy your play. You treat people with respect and trust. I know one day someone will break that trust you so freely give and I would give everything to protect you, but I also want you to live. I want you to experience life. As much as I wish I could expose you only to the good, I know we must also experience the bad in order to truly appreciate all the good things that this wonderful life has to offer.

As I go through the day with you, from the time you wake up and crawl into my lap to cuddle to the time I tuck you in and sing you goodnight, I cannot help but to be amazed. I know we butt heads, often. But my love will never change. I don't know if it is the fact that we are so alike, that you are so like your dad, or maybe a little bit of both, but a day cannot pass without some conflict between the two of us. I learn so much from these conflicts about both of us. I learn how much more patience and grace I need. I see stubbornness and so many other qualities of your personality. I also know that we love to have fun together. I love to spend quality time with you, answer your questions to the best of my ability, dive into wonderful worlds of imagination, and create memories I will hold close for the rest of my life.

You are a gift, and you are loved more than you will ever know. You made me a mom and I promise to always work at being the kind of mom you deserve, the kind of mom that helps you grow into the best person that you can be. I want you to be smart; I want you to be successful. But most of all, I hope you find joy. I hope you continue to have the faith we are raising you in. I hope you grow into the person that YOU want to be.

I am so proud to call you my son. Nothing can or ever will change the love I have for you. I hope you always remember that I will always be cheering for you; always on your side. When life knocks you on your knees, remember you are never alone, and you can always pick yourself back up again. We all fall down, it is a fact of life. Push on, and push back. Never give up, never feel hopeless. No matter where life takes you, I will never be far away. Don't be afraid to live or take chances. You will never truly know what you are capable of until you try. I know you can do great things, because I know you.

John, you are precious to me. I pray for you every day and always will. I thank God for the gift of you. I learn so much from you every day.

All My Love, Always,

Mommy

Kindness. Pass It On

This past week, while we were out to dinner, some young girls came and gave each of the kids a bottle of bubbles.

It was such a small gesture, but it has been on my mind all week. The world we live in is no longer kind. We don't know our neighbors, or trust anyone anymore. Everyone we meet could be a "bad guy" so we better not make eye contact or smile at them. Schools have shootings and countries are fighting. Turn on the news and you can just about guarantee that 95% of what you see and hear is depressing and down right scary. I think about all the bad in this world, and I think of my two young kids that we are raising. I think it is safe to say that we haven't even seen the worst of it yet. Bad things will keep happening and our world gets scarier and scarier.

The most important job I have as a parent is to care for my children, love them, and bring them up in the Truth. There is something bigger out there than all the bad things this world can throw at us. God is bigger than all of the muck. My prayer is that my kids know God. The world is going to throw all sorts of bad things their way, but if they have Hope, they will get through it.

This small gesture of a bottle of bubbles meant so much more to me. There is still kindness in this world. It may be hard to find sometimes, but it is there. There is always going to be someone in your life who will do the right thing because they love you, or simply because they can. That is why we keep going.

In the past few years, we have had so many people like that in our lives. Wonderful, kind people who have helped both us and others and never asked for anything in return. I know that I can't ever pay those people back, not really, not for all they have done. I can be grateful, and I can do my best to do the same for someone, someday.

So, whoever gave us the bubbles, thank you. Know that we received your message and have accepted the challenge. We will pass on kindness and continue to pass it on as often as we can. I also challenge anyone out there that reads this to pass on some kindness as well. It doesn't have to be anything big. In fact, it can be as small as giving a smile or handing someone a bottle of bubbles. Just be kind.

Pass It On

Little Girl Hair

So I have this little girl that I love. 

Her hair is crazy all over the place. 

I can't stand the thought of cutting it yet. 

I have dreams of her having long luscious curly locks. 

Whether or not that dream will come true has yet to be determined. 

But while we wait on that dream, I have been experimenting with fun, cute little hairdos for my girl. I am not artistic. I am not creative. I have yet to do braids, but I have set lofty goals for myself. I am determined that my girl will be cute and sport more than a ponytail or "hair in the face" do'. I also have these things called glasses to work around. It's not like I can take them off. I have to make sure her do's are compatible with her glasses as well. It does throw a wrench in the whole process but they do her good, and I am just being vain if I want to take them off to create a different hairstyle (in all seriousness I would NEVER do that).

I have a few tools at my disposal, some are used more often than others. Here is what I use:

• comb
• Suave hair detangler (though I am sure water would work just fine)
• hair thingys (everyone has their own term for these)
• hairspray (only used sparingly with some styles depending on the day's activities) 

 

Here is a sampling of my explorations with her hair:

It's The Little Things

Ok, I'm gonna attempt a little creativity here. Been stewing on this for a while and it may be really really bad, but I don't really care. Here goes:

It's The Little Things...

Snuggles first thing in the morning, burrowing your face into my neck while you work on waking up.

It's The Little Things...

Opening my eyes in the morning to your little face as close as it can get saying, "Time to wake up!"

It's The Little Things...

Reaching your arms out to me because I'm your favorite person in the world.

It's The Little Things...

Eagerly asking when it will be time to do our school time every day.

It's The Little Things...

Listening to the two of you playing together in your room, the hallway, or wherever it may be that you have settled with whatever toy you may be sharing at the moment.

It's The Little Things...

Coming to me with the same book every single day with a "Mommy, will you read to me?"

It's The Little Things...

Helping you pick out your shirts every day because you aren't quite tall enough to reach them in the closet.

It's The Little Things...

Going to the dog run together to give our giant dog some exercise. While we are there you squish all the bugs you see. What a weird little hobby

It's The Little Things...

Running through the splash pad together. Racing around each jet of water . Grabbing you and running through water while we laugh and scream.

It's The Little Things...

Pizza Night. Not the normal go out to pizza night. Pizza night where you get all the ingredients at the store, bring it back to your home, and make pizza as a family with a one year old and a 4 year old. You love it. You stir the sauce; you sprinkle the cheese; you pick out your own toppings; you ACTUALLY EAT DINNER!!!

It's The Little Things...

When you, the 4 year old takes my phone on said pizza night and insists on taking a hundred pictures of me making pizza. Most of them are blurry and have a finger in the way.

It's The Little Things...

Arguing over who gets to sit on my lap in the evenings as we settle down from our day. I wish my lap was big enough for the two of you. Always.

It's The Little Things...

I love you. Every bit of you. The cute parts and the frustrating parts. I eagerly anticipate the people you will become, and at the same time dread it completely as it will mean my babies are grown and don't need me the way you do now.

It's The Little Things...

I treasure these days filled with toy cars, books, make-believe, and silliness. I know they will pass all too soon, never to be seen again.

It's The Little Things...

You are a gift. You are a blessing. You are beautiful. You are loved