Saying Goodbye, Saying Hello

2014, what a year. I can honestly say this year has been one of the most life-changing, eventful years my little family has ever had. We had great loss, we had great gain, we had great change. Through all the events this year has brought, love has remained.

In love, family took us in and we were practically homeless (no, it wasn't THAT bad, but it was not good)

In love, we said goodbye to family members this year that we didn't think we would have to. Hearts ache with their absence, and we think of where they would be now and what they would be doing.

In love, we accomplished goals and passed milestones.

In love, we said more goodbyes as we packed up everything(almost) we had and started a new journey in a new place. Friends and family bid us well and sent us off; people we had never planned to say goodbye to.

In love, we made drastic changes to our circumstances, our family, our home.

In love we welcomed more family members we had longed for, prayed for, and hoped for.

Even though not everything that happened this year was easy, I can look back and see the good. Family came together and clung to each other in heartache. We will forever be closer to each other because of it. We have seen and felt more support from loved ones this year than we could have ever hoped for. We have had a fresh start in a wonderful place. My husband has an amazing job that he loves and worked so hard for. I have a job I always dreamed of and hoped I could have. I have big plans to return to my previous career choice of course, but in this time and this place, my dream is this and this is where I am called to be.

Changed. New. Loss. Family. Goodbye. Hello. BLESSED. Truly Blessed. This is what I will take away with me as this year closes. I am truly, deeply blessed

As I reflect on everything that has taken place, I do have a big ache in my heart. The loss experienced was great. I miss my niece that I never got to know. I miss my friends and coworkers desperately. I miss family we left behind. Sometimes I sit back and just ache with loss and the tears can overtake me. But I also look at all we have gained this year and still I settle with truly blessed. I could not ask for more.

We say goodbye to 2014 tonight. We say goodbye to adventures and trials. Even tough we say goodbye, we can carry on the memories and the love. This year moves into the past, and into our memories. Goodbye 2014.

Hello 2015. Who knows what this year will bring. We can guarantee there will be good and there will also be bad. We will make new memories and love will carry us. I have quite a few New Year's resolutions of course, and most are the usual, overused resolutions. but I make them all the same:
-lose weight (the baby weight plus more that I am 2 years overdue in losing)
-gain more patience
-enjoy every minute even more
-become better off financially
-eat better
-excercise more
-all in all become a better me
-read my Bible more and know Him more

I know that I will not accomplish all these things. We never do. But maybe, just maybe I will do a better job this year than I have in year's past. I wrote it down now. I cannot ignore it. So, welcome 2015, and please, please be good to us

Little Girl Hair Part 2

I love attempting to style this girl's hair. I have a looooooooooooooong ways to go before I can actually find myself successful at it, but it is fun nonetheless.

PS, that one in the middle, well sometimes a girl just needs a crown ;)

Christmastime Memories

There are certain moments I want to cherish and hold on to forever.

Today, after returning home completely wiped out and not feeling well, I collapsed onto the couch moments before my napping children woke up. They sleepily walked out and crawled into my lap.

We sat there, watching a Christmas Movie, enjoying the lights twinkling on our cute little Christmas Tree, and before we knew it we were playing dress up with our winter hats. It ended with John wearing his sisters hat and gloves because he "wanted to be a teddy bear" and Ella wore her brother's ginormous hat that kept slipping down over her eyes and she thought that was pretty cool.

Moments fly by and life goes so quickly. I treasure these small little moments that slip away. This right here is the reason for this blog. I want to attempt to capture as many of these tiny moments as possible and hold on to them forever.

He Makes All Things New

It's been one of those days....

For some reason, a lot of days recently have been one of those days.... The day usually starts off great. I wake up, have my coffee (yes, MUST ALWAYS have the coffee), and gear myself up for the day. Hubby goes off to work, kiddos stumble out of bed, and my favorite part of the day occurs. Snuggle time. I love snuggle time. My kids trip out to the couch one at a time, still full of sleep, and we spend the next 10-15 minutes just snuggling. It is quiet and peaceful. They are still little enough that I can still hold both of them in my lap at the same time if they happen to wake up together. I love this time of day the best. Nothing has gone wrong, fits have not yet been thrown, tempers not yet lost; we haven't been late for anything yet, made any messes, been too loud, or argued. I wish I could hang onto this part of the day and go back to it when something goes wrong, and believe me, something ALWAYS goes wrong.

We went to the zoo today and had a great time. Loved every minute. I was patient at all the right times, and completely focused on my family as it should be....then the rest of the day happened. My son wouldn't nap. We were out of milk and I had promised the kiddos macaroni and cheese for lunch. My husband was completely immersed in football the REST of the day (I have no patience for football). Fit after fit after fit was thrown. We were challenged with attitudes, whining, sneaking, and all around naughtiness. And I have to be honest. I failed on the patience and not overreacting front today. Major, major mom fail and I am dealing with a lot of guilt right now.

My son, the 4 year old, has been pushing the limits recently. My sweet, loving, snugly, energetic little boy has transformed into a whiny, moody, sneaky, impulsive turd. I love him. I love him soooooooooooooo much. It literally hurts when I think of the love I have for him. I am having a hard time with the newest of his phases he has been going through. When I think we have reached our limits, a whole new phase begins that even more scary. This parenting thing is HARD, and I'm not always very good at it. In fact, sometimes I think I downright suck. But I AM a parent, and I have been blessed with two precious lives that depend on me to be the best mom I can be.

It's scary. Parenting is scary. I am so afraid of failing my kids. I want them to grow up to be happy, whole, and not too terribly damaged. This is where the good part comes in. I know I am not alone. Not only do I have an amazing partner in this, but I have an amazing God that loves, forgives, guides, and completely makes up for all my failures. When I wake up tomorrow morning, I know it is a new day. All my failures and shortcomings have been washed away, and I have the chance yet again to be the very best mom , wife, daughter, sister, friend, and me that I can be. Don't get me wrong, I'm gonna mess it up again and again and again. But I also know, and need to remember, that I can start over in the middle of the day, or even the end. I can take a step back, spend some time in the Word, and know that I am once again forgiven and made clean.

Life is a gift. The people in our lives are gifts. I am so thankful for my many gifts. I know parenting will always be hard. But I also know it is so worth it. I love my kids with all that I am. The best thing I can do is to raise them to see Grace. They will see me mess up over and over, and they will mess up over and over. I can give them Grace through my Savior and they can see my need for Grace as well and the need to give Grace to others.

He makes all things new. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second. And we need it. We need Him. We need Grace. We will never measure up alone. God has us covered. His loves erases all our shortcomings, washes us in Grace, and makes us new.

Not Enough

We all have those days. Bad, gloomy days. Today so far has been one of those days.

I have lived my life with this nagging feeling of "Not Enough". Not good enough for this crazy awesome life I am living. Not good enough for my kids, my husband, my family, my friends. Not cool enough, not patient enough. Just plain not enough. Name the thing and and I'm not it, except awkward, I've got that down.

I have this thing called Low Self Esteem. Had it for as long as I can remember. It is hard to make friends, and it's hard to work on friendships when I don't feel good enough to be their friend. I convinced myself that this would go away when I became an adult. Jr High and High School was a nightmare, but I could get through it knowing it wouldn't always be this way, things would get easier. As I have grown older, I have learned a lot and have made some pretty awesome friends that I treasure, though I know I don't let them know how good of friends they are because something always stops me from making those calls. That feeling that I hoped and prayed would go away never did. It's still there, all the time. I'm not sure what I thought would magically change when I became an adult, but it didn't change.

I have an awesome family; every single person in my family is awesome. I am blessed to have such an amazing family. I grew up, the youngest, comparing myself to my much cooler than me siblings. To this day I guarantee that they are still much cooler than me. I did my best trying to be the child my parents deserved to have. I want to be as good as them. I have a loving husband who accepts and loves me for who I am. I have two beautiful babies that look at me like I am their whole world and I get this feeling of being completely inadequate. My kids deserve to have an amazing mom, and I totally do not fill those shoes.

I know where that nagging feeling comes from, and I know better than to believe it. Most days I can kick it to the curb and feel completely blessed. I am blessed. This life is more than anything I ever hoped for. My friends, family, and loved ones are too many to count. My kids are amazing. That is all the truth. But some days that nagging feeling clobbers me. What on earth did I do to deserve all this? Nothing. That's the truth. And I am okay with that. Relieved, actually. Life is a gift. It may be hard, but it is a gift. Everyone in our lives is there for a reason.

I will live my life knowing that I am Not Enough, but it's okay. I have Someone that is good enough. He is Enough in my place. I am not a mistake; I am not here by accident. I have a purpose, and even though I may not always see what that purpose is, I have one and I will fight to remember that purpose. I will be grateful every day for the life I live and I will be grateful for the people in my life.

I know I will always have that feeling of "Not Enough". I will always have that fight. I will not be defeated.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made: your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

A Letter To My Daughter

Dear Ella,

I thought I knew how to be a mom until you came into my life. You showed me from the start that you are your own person, not to be compared to anyone else. You carve your own path in this world and do things at your own pace. No one can rush you, push you, or make you do anything you do not want to do. I love you, my spirited girl. So sweet, beautiful, and full of life. I know that whatever life throws at you that you can do it. You are a fighter and you are strong. You do things your own way; you keep us on our toes.

Life has not been and never will be easy. We have discovered that with you from the time we learned about you. You continue to surprise me with your strength, persistence, innocence, and sweetness. You are truly a gift to me and I am so thankful for every day that I get to be your mom. I love the way you would snuggle with me all day long, just as long as you can play with your brother at the same time. You are independent and smart. You understand things more than you let on, my little observer.

My prayer for you, My Ella, is that you never lose your sweetness. I know life is hard, but there are so many good things life has to offer that make all the bad things, all the hard parts worth it. Keep that sweetness Ella, for you will move mountains. Your smile brightens a room, and a single wave from you can make anyone's day. I have never quite seen anyone gather as much attention as you do, and you don't even try; you don't even care. As little as you are, you amaze me. You are loved.

I treasure you. I am so excited to see the person that you will become. Always push harder; never give up hope. Always know that YOU are enough. Never be someone that you are not. Never be afraid to be YOU, because YOU are beautiful, just the way you are. You don't have to change to please people. I pray you will always find your identity in your Creator and know that He created you for a reason, for a purpose.

I'm on your side; I'm rooting for you. Always here for you, no matter what. You are treasured. You are loved. I am so proud of you, my sweet girl. I always will be.

All My Love, Always,

Mommy

A Letter To My Son

Dear John,

Words cannot express the love I have for you. You are amazing just the way you are. As you grow, I love watching the person you are becoming. You are kind, sweet, polite, and loving. You are curious, patient, generous, and full of faith. You love to learn and try new things. You are wild and full of life. You love your family and we love you. Your sister follows your every footstep and you patiently allow her to follow you, to copy your play. You treat people with respect and trust. I know one day someone will break that trust you so freely give and I would give everything to protect you, but I also want you to live. I want you to experience life. As much as I wish I could expose you only to the good, I know we must also experience the bad in order to truly appreciate all the good things that this wonderful life has to offer.

As I go through the day with you, from the time you wake up and crawl into my lap to cuddle to the time I tuck you in and sing you goodnight, I cannot help but to be amazed. I know we butt heads, often. But my love will never change. I don't know if it is the fact that we are so alike, that you are so like your dad, or maybe a little bit of both, but a day cannot pass without some conflict between the two of us. I learn so much from these conflicts about both of us. I learn how much more patience and grace I need. I see stubbornness and so many other qualities of your personality. I also know that we love to have fun together. I love to spend quality time with you, answer your questions to the best of my ability, dive into wonderful worlds of imagination, and create memories I will hold close for the rest of my life.

You are a gift, and you are loved more than you will ever know. You made me a mom and I promise to always work at being the kind of mom you deserve, the kind of mom that helps you grow into the best person that you can be. I want you to be smart; I want you to be successful. But most of all, I hope you find joy. I hope you continue to have the faith we are raising you in. I hope you grow into the person that YOU want to be.

I am so proud to call you my son. Nothing can or ever will change the love I have for you. I hope you always remember that I will always be cheering for you; always on your side. When life knocks you on your knees, remember you are never alone, and you can always pick yourself back up again. We all fall down, it is a fact of life. Push on, and push back. Never give up, never feel hopeless. No matter where life takes you, I will never be far away. Don't be afraid to live or take chances. You will never truly know what you are capable of until you try. I know you can do great things, because I know you.

John, you are precious to me. I pray for you every day and always will. I thank God for the gift of you. I learn so much from you every day.

All My Love, Always,

Mommy